Supporting Someone with Mental Health Struggles: How to Care for Them Without Losing Yourself

When someone we love is struggling with their mental health, it can be difficult to know what to do. We might desperately want to help, to take away their pain, or to find the right words to make things feel better. We may worry about saying the wrong thing, not doing enough, or missing the signs that they are struggling.

Whether it is a partner, family member, friend, or someone else close to us, supporting a person through mental health difficulties can be emotionally demanding. We might find ourselves putting their needs before our own, constantly worrying about them, or feeling responsible for helping them get better.

But there is something important that we don't always talk about: supporting someone who is struggling can affect our own mental health, too.

You can love someone deeply and still find their struggles difficult to cope with. You can want to be there for them and still feel exhausted, frustrated, worried, or overwhelmed. These feelings do not mean you care any less. They mean you are human, too.

In this blog, we will explore the impact of supporting someone with mental health difficulties, why looking after yourself matters, and what might help you navigate this challenging experience.

The emotional impact of supporting someone with mental health difficulties

When someone close to us is experiencing anxiety, depression, trauma, or other mental health challenges, their difficulties can affect more than just them. Mental health struggles can influence relationships, family life, everyday routines, and the emotional wellbeing of the people around them.

You might recognise some of the following experiences.

Constant worry and anxiety

You may find yourself worrying about the person even when you are not with them. You might wonder whether they are okay, whether their mood has changed, or whether something you said or did has made things worse.

If the person experiences severe anxiety, depression, or suicidal thoughts, you may feel as though you need to remain constantly alert to any changes in their behaviour.

Over time, this can leave you feeling on edge, struggling to relax, or finding it difficult to concentrate on anything else.

Feeling responsible for their wellbeing

When we love someone, it is natural to want to protect them from pain. We might try to solve their problems, encourage them to seek help, or do everything we can to make life easier for them.

However, it can become exhausting when we begin to feel responsible for their happiness, emotional stability, or recovery.

You might find yourself thinking:

• If I could just find the right thing to say, they would feel better.

• I should be doing more to help.

• What if I leave them alone and something happens?

• If they are struggling, perhaps I have failed them.

These thoughts can create an enormous amount of pressure.

Although your support can make a real difference, you cannot control another person's feelings or recovery. Their mental health is not a reflection of how well you love them, and you cannot be their only source of support.

Feeling helpless or not knowing what to do

It can be incredibly difficult to watch someone you care about suffer, particularly when you cannot see an obvious way to help.

You might listen, offer reassurance, suggest practical solutions, or encourage them to seek professional support, only to find that things remain difficult.

You may feel helpless, frustrated, or unsure whether anything you do makes a difference.

Sometimes, the most difficult part is accepting that we cannot take away another person's pain, even when we desperately want to.

Feeling emotionally drained

Supporting someone can take a great deal of emotional energy. You may spend hours listening, offering reassurance, managing practical responsibilities, or trying to keep things together for everyone else.

You might gradually notice that you have less energy for your own needs, relationships, hobbies, or interests.

Perhaps you are sleeping poorly, feeling irritable, becoming tearful more easily, or struggling to find enjoyment in things you previously loved.

You may even begin to feel emotionally numb.

These can be signs that you are carrying a heavy emotional load and need some care and support yourself.

Guilt, resentment, and difficult feelings

This is something that can be particularly hard to admit.

You may sometimes feel frustrated that your life has changed, resentful about the responsibilities you have taken on, or upset that your own needs seem to come second.

You might feel guilty for wanting time alone, enjoying yourself when the other person is struggling, or wishing things could be different.

Perhaps you feel you cannot talk honestly about these emotions because you are worried that doing so would make you seem selfish or uncaring.

But two things can be true at the same time: you can love someone and find their struggles difficult to live with.

Difficult feelings do not cancel out love. They are often a sign that you have needs and limits that deserve attention, too.

Why do we sometimes put our own needs last?

There are many reasons why we might neglect ourselves when someone close to us is struggling.

We may believe that being a good partner, parent, friend, or family member means always being available. We might have learned from an early age that other people's needs should come before our own, or that expressing our own emotions is selfish.

Some people become the person everyone relies on. They may be used to being strong, practical, and dependable, and find it difficult to admit when they are struggling.

Others may worry that setting boundaries or taking time away will make the person they care about feel abandoned.

If the person we are supporting is particularly vulnerable, we may feel frightened about what could happen if we step back.

These feelings are understandable. However, consistently ignoring our own needs is not a sustainable way to support someone else.

We are not designed to give endlessly without receiving care ourselves.

How can you support someone while protecting your own mental health?

There is no single approach that works for every person or relationship. What helps will depend on the person's circumstances, the nature of their difficulties, and the support available to both of you.

However, there are some things that may help you find a healthier balance.

1. Recognise what you can and cannot control

One of the hardest things to accept is that we cannot make another person feel better simply because we love them.

We cannot remove every difficult thought, solve every problem, or guarantee that someone will recover within a particular timeframe.

What we can do is offer compassion, listen without judgement, encourage appropriate support, and help with practical things where possible.

It can be helpful to remind yourself:

I can support this person without being responsible for fixing everything.

This does not mean giving up on them. It means recognising the difference between being alongside someone and carrying everything for them.

2. Practise self-care without feeling guilty

Self-care is often portrayed as taking a relaxing bath, enjoying a treat, or spending time doing something we love. These things can be helpful, but self-care is also about meeting our everyday emotional and physical needs.

It might mean getting enough sleep, eating regularly, taking a walk, seeing a friend, or making time for something that brings you pleasure.

It could mean having an evening when you do not discuss mental health, allowing yourself to laugh, or doing something completely unrelated to the situation you are managing.

Sometimes self-care is less about doing something extra and more about allowing yourself to stop doing so much.

You do not need to earn rest by proving that you have done enough for everyone else.

Looking after yourself is not abandoning someone else. It is recognising that your wellbeing matters, too.

3. Set boundaries that allow you to keep caring

Boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially if you are worried about upsetting someone or making their situation worse.

However, boundaries are not punishments. They are a way of recognising what you can realistically offer while protecting your own wellbeing.

For example, you might need to explain that you cannot answer messages throughout the night, that you need some time to yourself, or that you are not able to be the only person they turn to when things become difficult.

You might say:

“I care about you, and I want to support you. I also need some time to rest so that I can look after myself. Can we think together about other people or services that could support you as well?”

Boundaries may need to be discussed more than once, and they can be adjusted as circumstances change.

If there is an immediate safety concern, it is important to seek appropriate help rather than trying to manage the situation alone.

4. Remember that listening is often more helpful than fixing

When someone is struggling, we can feel pressure to find the right words or come up with solutions.

Sometimes, though, what they need most is someone who is willing to listen.

You do not need to have all the answers. You do not need to understand exactly how they feel, and you do not need to make their distress disappear.

You might simply say:

• “I'm sorry things feel so difficult at the moment.”

• “Would you like me to listen, or would it help to think through some options together?”

• “I might not have all the answers, but I want you to know I'm here.”

• “What do you think would help you most right now?”

It is also okay to acknowledge your own limits. You can be a caring and supportive person without becoming their counsellor or taking sole responsibility for their mental health.

5. Encourage a wider network of support

When we are worried about someone, it can be tempting to become their main or only source of support. Sometimes this happens gradually, without either person intending it.

However, relying on one person for all emotional support can place considerable strain on a relationship.

Where appropriate, encourage the person to explore additional support, such as their GP, a qualified counsellor or therapist, a relevant mental health charity, or a peer support group.

You might also consider who could support you.

Could another trusted friend or family member share some practical responsibilities? Is there someone you can talk to about your worries without compromising the other person's privacy?

You do not have to share personal details about someone else's mental health to explain that you are finding things difficult and need support.

A wider support network can help reduce the pressure on everyone involved.

6. Make space for your own feelings

You might have become so focused on how the other person is feeling that you have stopped checking in with yourself.

Try asking yourself:

• How am I feeling today?

• What has been most difficult for me recently?

• What am I worried about?

• What do I need that I have not been getting?

• Who can I turn to when I need support?

• What would make things feel a little more manageable?

You do not have to wait until you reach breaking point to take your feelings seriously.

Talking to someone you trust, keeping a journal, or seeking professional support can give you space to explore emotions that may feel difficult to express elsewhere.

Your feelings deserve attention, even when someone else's struggles appear more urgent.

What if you are supporting someone who experiences suicidal thoughts?

Supporting someone who experiences suicidal thoughts can be particularly frightening and emotionally demanding.

You may feel that you need to monitor them constantly, worry about leaving them alone, or fear that a single wrong decision could have serious consequences.

It is important to take suicidal thoughts seriously, but you should not have to manage this risk on your own.

If you are concerned, you can ask directly whether they are thinking about suicide. Asking the question does not put the idea into someone's head.

Encourage them to access professional support through their GP or mental health team. If there is an immediate danger, or they have acted to end their life, call 999 or go to A&E. In England, NHS 111 can also advise on urgent mental health support.

You can care deeply about someone's safety while recognising that you cannot be their entire safety net.

If you are supporting someone through repeated or ongoing suicidal crises, it is particularly important to have support for yourself and to work with appropriate professionals wherever possible.

You matter in this situation, too.

How counselling can help you

Sometimes, when we are supporting someone else, we can become so accustomed to putting our own needs aside that we no longer recognise how much we are struggling.

We may tell ourselves that other people have it worse, that we should be coping better, or that seeking support for ourselves would be selfish.

Counselling offers an opportunity to pause and focus on your own experience.

You do not need to wait until you are in crisis to seek help. You can come to counselling because you feel overwhelmed, because you are worried about someone you love, or because you want somewhere to explore feelings that you find difficult to share with others.

Within counselling, you might explore:

• Your emotions: Making sense of worry, sadness, frustration, guilt, resentment, or helplessness.

• Your boundaries: Understanding what you can realistically offer and how to communicate your needs.

• Your relationships: Exploring how the situation is affecting your relationship with the person you support and with others in your life.

• Your own needs: Reconnecting with the things that help you feel grounded, fulfilled, and emotionally well.

• Your sense of responsibility: Exploring whether you feel responsible for things that are outside your control.

• Ways forward: Finding a balance between caring for someone else and caring for yourself.

Counselling is not about encouraging you to care less. It is about helping you find a way to care that does not require you to lose yourself in the process.

You deserve support, too

When someone close to us is struggling with their mental health, it can be easy to forget that we are affected by the situation, too.

We may feel that we need to be strong, stay positive, and keep everything together. We may believe that our own struggles are less important because we are not the person experiencing the original difficulty.

But mental health is not a competition. You do not have to prove that things are bad enough before you are allowed to ask for help.

You can love someone and feel exhausted. You can want to be there for them and need some time away. You can recognise their pain while acknowledging your own.

None of these things makes you a bad partner, friend, parent, or family member.

You are a person with your own feelings, needs, and limits, and those deserve care and compassion.

Perhaps the most important thing to remember is this: you do not have to choose between caring for someone else and caring for yourself. Both matter.

If you are finding things difficult, you do not have to navigate it alone.

At Sakaura Pathways Counselling, I offer a warm, compassionate, and non-judgemental space where you can explore what you are experiencing, make sense of your feelings, and find ways to support your own wellbeing alongside the people you care about.

If you would like to explore whether counselling might help, you are welcome to get in touch for a free, informal introductory chat. There is no pressure or obligation to book a session.

You can find out more at www.sakaurapathwayscounselling.com.